So this is a minor sidestep in
another direction, away from the noted, average medical triumphs and
tribulations that come with this pregnancy. Its appropriate since today is June
1st and, as a teacher, my emotions swing as far and wide as a
pendulum every June and September. And that’s without being pregnant. My roles
change drastically on these two months of the year, and I go from being needed
and constantly distracted by 17 demands at one time from my little peers, to
suddenly having more time to myself starting in June. Quiet time where my brain
suddenly turns back on (or off, if it’s September) and I have to readjust my
schedule, my thoughts, and my life once again. Often times I go through a “down”
time as I try to figure out what I am doing with my life, address other areas
of my life that need attention and/or work, and question if I’m ready to make
another 10 month commitment in doing the teaching thing all over again. However,
usually, I am in a happy place, and could not feel more fortunate for this
blessing growing inside me.
If things had gone according
to my own imperfect plan, I would be due to deliver any day now, and I would have had three
months of chasing the demands of one little peer, before deciding if I was
ready to go back to teaching in September. But God has a way of making His
plans higher than mine. I still haven’t figured out why I have been diagnosed
with cardiomyopathy, or why I had to find out early on in pregnancy, and
subsequently deal with both medical conditions that often collide in rude and
unexpected ways, but it is what it is and there is nothing I can do to change
it. I just thank God now that I have two more months (at least) to rest and
prepare for this little guy, as this last month of working as been treacherous
on my body (I think the 2nd trimester has been even harder than the
1st!). And, with delivering a baby at the end of August, the idea of
whether or not to return to school in September was a no-brainer. Luckily, God
had a plan for that one as well.
By God’s grace, Bryan and I
feel like we are in a place where I can take a couple months off through
various means that have presented themselves in the past month or two. And it
sounds like I will need this time to recover, and then begin more medical
testing for my heart. And, after all the stress of the past year (with no
vacation), I am hoping to join Bryan in Vegas the end of October/early November
for the annual car show- but that depends on what kind of baby this guy is, and
if we think he will mind traveling or not. Best of all, I was offered a
part-time job by a very understanding employer who knows my situation and is
willing to make adjustments for me, so that I can help contribute to our family’s
income, and also give the grandmas and aunties some time with this little guy
as well (plus daddy has Mondays off, so that will help too!).
With all that being said, I am
trying my best to mentally prepare myself for all the changes that are about to
happen, even within the next week. This upcoming week I will quit my job from
the past six years, and say goodbye to the family at my school- my co-workers, students,
and families of students. We are also saying goodbye to Bryan’s brother this
week, who after 4 ½ years (some of that time being overseas in the military)
will be moving out of our home to his new home on his own. This will give Bryan
and I some time to enjoy our last couple months alone together before welcoming
our next roommate (and I can have the appropriate time to “nest” J). I will also be
turning 30 shortly, which brings on some mental challenges of its own. And,
pretty soon we will be a mother and a father, for the rest of our lives. Which
is just weird.
As I have more time now to sit
back and think about all that has been thrown our way in the past six months,
another feeling that keeps creeping up is that of regret. Up until this point
in my life, I have been blessed to truly say I have no regrets. The Lord has
guided my steps, and by wisdom outside my own control, I have somehow followed.
I found the man I was going to marry and have a family with early on, and
through the growing changes of our adolescents, we somehow managed to stay
together or always find our way back to each other. I knew early on that I
wanted to be a teacher, and followed all the steps to getting me there and on
the doorstep of my current school, where I got to teach AND share the good news
of Jesus Christ. And I have a loving family who I have never turned my back on,
nor them on me. I have friends who I can say the same for. And Bryan and I were
guided to our church home the month before we were married, and its where we
have been ever since. Up until this point, despite a few minor bumps (by
comparison, though at the time they felt monumental) along the way, life has
been perfect.
However, there is one regret. It’s
the regret that we waited too long. That this baby in my belly is not starting
kindergarten next year, and that he doesn’t have one or two little brothers or
sisters following along behind him… because now he probably never will. Because
we waited too long. Six years ago my health was fine, and I could have
sustained a pregnancy better than I can now (most likely). And who knows what
it will be like in the next one or two years, so the question of if we will
have another child is a big, hairy question (although we think we know the
answer). Its not all bad, though. We had valid reasons for waiting. We got to
enjoy seven years of marriage, just being us together, we got to travel and do
whatever we wanted, and we overcame the financial hurdles (most of them!) that
we graduated college with. We are still by no means where we wanted to be,
financially speaking, and we never took that trip to Hawaii, but at the time we
decided to start trying, we just knew it was time. And now we know why. And on the
days like today when I really allow myself to stop and think, I wish we had
done it sooner. I’m just so thankful we didn’t wait any longer, and that it did
not take too long to conceive.
One of those “other” feelings
I am dealing with now, especially within the last two weeks, is paranoia. My
doctor has me in a full state of alert, and I am in tune with every fiber of my
body at every moment of the day, and it is seriously freaking me out. Most
pregnant women can attest to being in this state during nine months of
pregnancy as well, I am sure. But added to the warning signs of trouble in
pregnancy, are all the signs and symptoms that an attack on my heart is coming.
Most of these things, though, I keep to myself, as I don’t want to worry anyone
or be bothered by an unnecessary trip to the hospital (which I fully
understand, even in my state of denial, this is not always the wisest or best
thing to do for the baby, and I am working on that).
Just going to work each day as
been a strain on my psyche, as I push away every little heart flutter or twinge
in my left arm. Then there is the tightening in my chest that sometimes
presents itself, or the spell of dizziness I get. Is it heart, or is it
pregnancy? Pregnancy? Heart? I now covet weekends when I have nothing planned,
because that means I won’t have any commitments to break should I have to. When
I am at home, I feel safe. And when I am out in public, I notice I tend to become
grouchy very fast, because I am not in the safety of my home (sound like
paranoia?!?). Tonight I am opting out of going to a parade downtime, even
though my husband halfway agreed to going (which is unusual because he hates
parades!), because the thought of being stuck downtown amidst hundreds of
thousands of people and no way to quickly get out, scares me. I also opted out
of going to Seattle for a concert this weekend because that is three hours from
home, and from our doctors. I can’t go to California at the end of the month
for a family reunion with my husband, because being that far away for an
extended period is out of the question. We initially agreed he would still go,
though now we are both questioning the logic in that as well, because I may
need him here if something should happen (my cardiologist already warned me
these attacks could become more frequent and closer between). I have since been
wracking my brain trying to think of a person who I could call on at any time of
the day, besides Bryan, who I wouldn’t feel bad about asking to spend hours
with me in the ER, helping to answer questions from medical staff, if need be.
I came up empty. Which leads me to feel ever more thankful for my husband, who
has more knowledge of my condition than I do or even the stumped medical
professionals working in the ER. All I can say is, living in this constant
state of high alert is exhausting.
So this is what happens when I
am alone for even a moment (on a Saturday morning) with my thoughts. Usually in
the busy-ness of the day, I don’t have time to really stop and think, though
often these things do find a way to creep in, eventually (if I let them). When
I think about all the changes in my life these past few months, and all the
even bigger changes coming within this upcoming week, I hardly feel like its my
own life that I am currently dealing with. And when I think of the previous
years of marriage, it feels like I am looking back on someone else’s life. I
feel like I am currently stuck in a wedge between two lives, and I have no idea
what to expect. One thing I do know for sure is that my perspective on life has
shifted dramatically, and I see things differently. What I once considered “priorities”
are hardly that anymore. I look at our health, our jobs, our finances, and
realize any of that can change at any second. But any person with life
experience knows that with change comes opportunity, and one must always find
the silver lining.
So I am thankful for this current
state of being. Sometimes, I find I am the happiest in times of most stress, as
I come to lean more heavily on my Savior, Jesus Christ. And luckily, we have
another ultrasound to look forward to on Monday morning, where I can have faith
that all my worries and concerns will be put to rest and we can enjoy that
special moment seeing and bonding a little more with our little son <3. He
is a very welcome distraction. 
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