February 14, 2013

This would have been the day of the BIG REVEAL (although news slipped out a couple weeks early)! I wore to work this special Valentine (maternity) “Love” shirt I ordered way back at Christmas, though I was a little bummed my pregnancy bump was not a little bigger to fill it out.

After work, I went to Daddy’s shop, where we took this picture and posted to ABA’s Facebook page. It is fun to finally let the world know you are coming! So many people are so excited! As for any real Valentine’s Day celebrating, besides Daddy BBQing steaks, and watching a movie until we fell asleep on the couch, nothing too exciting happened! I am still feeling REALLY tired in the evenings, and have never enjoyed being home in the dark and the quiet so much in my life!

February 13, 2013

This morning was a very scary morning for me. I woke up and noticed some spotting, which was not usual. I remembered that some documents I had read said not to be too concerned unless the blood is bright red and persists. When I asked some people at work, and my sister, none had experienced anything like it, except for one. But, when I googled it, I learned it can be common, especially around 12 weeks. My fears were calmed until I called the doctor, just to be sure. They asked me to come in that day for an ultrasound, since I was still in the first trimester. This was an unsettling feeling, and as I drove (alone- Bryan was swamped at work, though he really wished he could be there) to the appointment, my mind raced to, “What if there is no heartbeat?” Luckily, I did not have to wait too long to see the “very sleepy” baby with a healthy heart rate of 155, and even measuring to be a few days bigger than what we had estimated. You, baby, have been through so much already, but you are very stubborn and persistent, just like your Dad and Mom!

THEN we saw even more than I anticipated. I remembered a friend had found out the probable gender of her baby at 12 weeks, so I asked the ultrasound tech if she could see anything. When she asked if I really wanted to know, I hesitated because the daddy-to-be was not with me, and I didn’t know if it would be fair. But curiosity got the best of me, and she said “Well, there has been something hanging out here the entire time” and zoomed in on the proper location to reveal the likelihood was high that we were having a BOY! When I texted this to Bryan as soon as possible, he was SO EXCITED, and also relieved that everything was okay.

While I was in my appointment, he had a divine appointment of his own, when an auto parts delivery man came in and saw the picture of our last ultrasound hanging on Bryan’s wall. In the moment when Bryan was most nervous about the outcome of this ultrasound, this man came into his office and told him what a blessing this baby would be to us!

Unfortunately, much like the first ultrasound, my joy and elation was dashed by the follow-up with the doctor before leaving the office. During this time, I found out that the appointment we had with the new cardiologist the next Monday was to determine if the pregnancy was “safe” to continue, and what the safest way to “terminate” it would be, if needed. I nodded my head like I understood and told my emotions not to “feel” anything as I listened to her words. She told me she wanted to see me the next morning, after the appointment and after she talked to the cardiologist, so we could determine a plan. If the pregnancy were to continue, she would want to see us every 2-3 weeks to check in. She ended with telling me that she didn’t think he would tell us to terminate, and that I seemed to be doing really well so far. In my heart and my mind, I already knew this as well, and I knew it was because of my faith and because of all the people who were already praying for me, even though at this point we hadn’t told anyone the full story and the severity of the situation.

I fell apart when I got to Bryan’s shop, but we both quickly pulled it together when we realized that God was with us, and that this baby is a true blessing, and would not have been given to us had I not been able to handle it. We were so thankful the ultrasound today showed everything was good, and the pregnancy was on track. We even got to reveal your suspected gender to Nana and Paco in their very special Valentines Day card that night (the rest of the family was told the next day, on Valentines Day). So, the wait until the next appointment began. I had never dreaded another appointment more in my life. I felt like we were facing huge giants at this intersection of the pregnancy, and in my own life.

 BOY!!! Or is it?!

February 11, 2013

At 12 weeks old, you are the size of a lime! Mom and Dad had some grocery shopping to do, so we took this fun picture to commemorate this important milestone in your growth!

How am I feeling right now? I have to learn to separate my joyfulness of our pregnancy and the anxieties over my heart. In one sense, I have a complete calm as I know I am being prayed over consistently by family and friends. I have received affirmation from some that this pregnancy will go well. But when the doctors call and email between each other and myself, and there is a “rush” in getting to important appointments, I can’t help but worry they know something I don’t. And no, I don’t want to hear other people’s pregnancy “war” stories. Everyone has their battle, and this one is completely unique to us. That’s why we have no idea what the future will hold. It’s a “wait and see” game, but we are keeping our faith to keep holding on. A good friend simply asked me, Tell me four things the new diagnosis of hypertrophy means to you…

And my response:
1. Im terrified of dropping dead and leaving Bryan and my parents.
2. I feel guilty for the stress it’s causing the people who know and the people who will know.
3. I’ve never dreaded a dr appt more than this one in my life.
4. I’ll be happy with anything as long as they don’t tell me to abort the baby.

 

February 8, 2013

Here are some cute pictures a few of my students and I took for the school Facebook page. I just love their adorable expressions! Something about babies makes kids (and teachers!) so excited!

February 5. 2013

My cardiologist called this night and left me a voicemail (I was at dinner with a friend and my cell phone did not ring. Bryan was working late that night, helping a friend). When I got home, I procrastinated on calling him back. I had been through so many emotional ups and downs in recent weeks that I really didn’t want to address any other questions, comments or concerns related to my heart. Since starting the new meds, I was definitely feeling better and wanted to keep it that way. When I finally did get a hold of him, he asked “Is Bryan around?” I told him no, and heard him take a deep breath. I instantly had a sinking feeling. “Well, I am glad we got that echocardiogram done. There was a surprise.” Unfortunately, it wasn’t the good kind of surprise.

The echocardiogram showed something called hypertrophy, which is a thickening of the heart muscle walls- more specifically, the left ventricle, which my doctor described as “concerning” and “dangerous”. This is a new problem that was not identified in my first echo in 2008, and it is in addition to the other two problems (Wolff Parkinson White and Tachycardia) I have. Unlike the first two issues, this third one is hereditary and much more dangerous. Whereas the other two problems are "electrical" in nature and non-life-threatening, this one is "plumbing" by nature and can be life-threatening. It’s like my heart is constantly flexing and never relaxes. So I would be adding another cardiologist to my list of doctors- one who specializes in this particular issue. He assured me that people have dealt with this successfully, and that the team of doctors would stay on top of it. He said “We are bringing in the whole village”. He also told me that while having a pacemaker implanted later in life was always a possibility, now a defibrillator is more likely needed, and sooner. Also not good news. But, considering the alternative of dying suddenly from a heart attack, I will take it. A pacemaker keeps the paces of the heart steady, though a defibrillator will shock it back on if it decides to stop altogether.

He left me with the option to call him anytime if I had questions or just wanted to talk. I hung up feeling like I was just given a death sentence. What scared me most was when he asked if I had ever inexplicably passed out, or if anyone in my family had ever died suddenly from heart complications. I knew then that I was not going to tell our parents, or anyone for that matter, for a long time. For the next 30 minutes, I sat at the barstool in my kitchen and cried. Sobbed. I didn’t even want to call Bryan. Instead I sent him a text asking when he would be home. When he asked how the phone conversation went, I told him it was a long story. He was home within five minutes. Through my tears, I tried explaining to him what Dr. Jones had told me. Bryan decided to call Dr. Jones back himself, and then we sat together on the couch, trying to piece together the new information we were given. At this moment, we both realized this would probably be our first and last pregnancy. I waited for the new cardiologist to call all week with an appointment, and on Friday I found out the first one available for the recommended doctor was not until April 10th. When I told Dr. Jones this, he said that is not acceptable and will speak with Cardiologist #2 to bump up the time.

 For the rest of this week and the weekend, I would describe myself as emotionally numb. As Bryan would say, neither of us just didn’t care about anything anymore. I just wanted to hide. I did not want to talk to anybody. For a while, I wanted to avoid friends and family. The most annoying part of this was all the excitement people had over the pregnancy. And while Bryan and I still felt completely and utterly 100% excited about the baby coming, at the same time we felt cheated and robbed of the full excitement we could be enjoying, as this new cloud settled in over our heads. No, I didn’t want to talk about morning sickness (that seemed irrelevant) and no, I didn’t want to talk about baby names. However, I realized that this was not fair to the baby. He/she did nothing wrong, and the stress I am feeling should not be inflicted on the baby. This baby is a complete blessing from God, and should be treated as such.

I found my source of hope in the prayers of close friends who I decided to tell, but also in a story I had shared with students earlier in the week during Bible devotions. I just love how God times things perfectly. The story comes from the book of Joshua. Joshua was appointed leader of his Israelite army, and faced a big task of defeating the enemy armies and breaking down the walls of the new land promised to them by God. As they were engaged in battle, the sun began going down, and Joshua prayed that God would make the sun stand still (Joshua Ch. 10), which God answered this prayer and Joshua and his army defeated the enemy forces with the extra hours of sunlight God provided. Now, I had heard faith stories of God’s people in the Bible before, but for some reason this story struck a chord with me. The SUN actually STOPPED MOVING. Joshua prayed a huge, ridiculous prayer and God answered it. Why am I having such a hard time simply praying and believing that God would lay his hand on my heart and my baby, and have faith knowing that this pregnancy will progress normally and I will have a happy, healthy baby in the end? Especially knowing that he could STOP THE SUN???

Bryan took me to Powell’s Bookstore and we purchased the book “Sun Stand Still” by Steven Furtick, which I have already read and devoured numerous pages of. I have a newfound hope that God will deliver us, and this baby, from this current trial we are in. The best, and silliest affirmation I got back from God? Earlier that morning, before starting the book, I sent Bryan to the store for two things: milk and honey (I was dealing with a nagging cough). While he was gone, I read the following verse: “The land we passed through and explored is exceedingly good. If the Lord is pleased with us, he will lead us into that land, a land flowing with milk and honey, and will give it to us. Only do not rebel against the Lord. And do not be afraid of the people of the land, because we will swallow them up.” Numbers 14:7-9. Joshua learned to follow God by faith, and in faith God blessed them and protected them and honored their prayers. I needed to follow God with that same audacious faith.  

February 4, 2013

This was the day we met with our new perinatalogist, and we instantly liked her. She seemed confident and assured that this pregnancy would go off without a hitch, despite labeling our situation as “extremely complicated”. She informed us that she had had several conversations with our cardiologist, so that gave us a new level of comfort knowing they are in communication and this will be a “team effort”. We were in the appointment for about an hour, and were discussing other symptoms of pregnancy I had been experiencing, such as swollen feet. I also mentioned the shortness of breath to her. At this point, she suggested that we go get an echocardiogram at the hospital, and the sooner the better. She was concerned my heart was not pumping normally as it should, especially since the symptoms I had described and shown were not typical for being 11 weeks pregnant. So, after leaving her office we walked over the hospital, where I received my second echocardiogram (the first one came back normal in 2008). We felt concerned, but not overly worried about what the results would show.

January 31, 2013

Already at ten (almost eleven) weeks of pregnancy, the baby bump is showing! Copies of the ultrasound pictures were made, and given to the grandmas and mailed to great-grandpa in California and great-grandma in North Dakota! Today was my day for staff devotions at work, so I decided to make tiny little baby announcements with tootsie rolls to let the rest of the staff (who didn’t already know) the good news, but to also ask to be lifted in prayer for the coming months.

...What I forgot to mention was that I had not yet told my own students the good news (I was planning to wait until Valentines Day, at 12 ½ weeks). Since adults are just as bad at keeping secrets as children are, by recess time two hours later, word had spread throughout the other classes. I decided it was time to tell my own class of 2^nd graders, which would also mean telling their parents, which would also mean telling the whole world through Facebook, before anyone else decided to post anything about it. Luckily, my friend (a parent of one of my 2^nd graders) had already created a fun announcement for Mommy to use when she was ready to “go public”.

 By that night, the world knew, even though I still worried about the health and safety of the baby. I had been learning this is a trial of faith, and the following verse kept rolling through my mind:

Philippians 4:6-7 New International Version (NIV) ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

With a newfound joy in sharing our exciting news with the world, we decided to go to Old Spaghetti Factory (where Mommy and Daddy met in 2000) that night to celebrate!