February 5. 2013

My cardiologist called this night and left me a voicemail (I was at dinner with a friend and my cell phone did not ring. Bryan was working late that night, helping a friend). When I got home, I procrastinated on calling him back. I had been through so many emotional ups and downs in recent weeks that I really didn’t want to address any other questions, comments or concerns related to my heart. Since starting the new meds, I was definitely feeling better and wanted to keep it that way. When I finally did get a hold of him, he asked “Is Bryan around?” I told him no, and heard him take a deep breath. I instantly had a sinking feeling. “Well, I am glad we got that echocardiogram done. There was a surprise.” Unfortunately, it wasn’t the good kind of surprise.

The echocardiogram showed something called hypertrophy, which is a thickening of the heart muscle walls- more specifically, the left ventricle, which my doctor described as “concerning” and “dangerous”. This is a new problem that was not identified in my first echo in 2008, and it is in addition to the other two problems (Wolff Parkinson White and Tachycardia) I have. Unlike the first two issues, this third one is hereditary and much more dangerous. Whereas the other two problems are "electrical" in nature and non-life-threatening, this one is "plumbing" by nature and can be life-threatening. It’s like my heart is constantly flexing and never relaxes. So I would be adding another cardiologist to my list of doctors- one who specializes in this particular issue. He assured me that people have dealt with this successfully, and that the team of doctors would stay on top of it. He said “We are bringing in the whole village”. He also told me that while having a pacemaker implanted later in life was always a possibility, now a defibrillator is more likely needed, and sooner. Also not good news. But, considering the alternative of dying suddenly from a heart attack, I will take it. A pacemaker keeps the paces of the heart steady, though a defibrillator will shock it back on if it decides to stop altogether.

He left me with the option to call him anytime if I had questions or just wanted to talk. I hung up feeling like I was just given a death sentence. What scared me most was when he asked if I had ever inexplicably passed out, or if anyone in my family had ever died suddenly from heart complications. I knew then that I was not going to tell our parents, or anyone for that matter, for a long time. For the next 30 minutes, I sat at the barstool in my kitchen and cried. Sobbed. I didn’t even want to call Bryan. Instead I sent him a text asking when he would be home. When he asked how the phone conversation went, I told him it was a long story. He was home within five minutes. Through my tears, I tried explaining to him what Dr. Jones had told me. Bryan decided to call Dr. Jones back himself, and then we sat together on the couch, trying to piece together the new information we were given. At this moment, we both realized this would probably be our first and last pregnancy. I waited for the new cardiologist to call all week with an appointment, and on Friday I found out the first one available for the recommended doctor was not until April 10th. When I told Dr. Jones this, he said that is not acceptable and will speak with Cardiologist #2 to bump up the time.

 For the rest of this week and the weekend, I would describe myself as emotionally numb. As Bryan would say, neither of us just didn’t care about anything anymore. I just wanted to hide. I did not want to talk to anybody. For a while, I wanted to avoid friends and family. The most annoying part of this was all the excitement people had over the pregnancy. And while Bryan and I still felt completely and utterly 100% excited about the baby coming, at the same time we felt cheated and robbed of the full excitement we could be enjoying, as this new cloud settled in over our heads. No, I didn’t want to talk about morning sickness (that seemed irrelevant) and no, I didn’t want to talk about baby names. However, I realized that this was not fair to the baby. He/she did nothing wrong, and the stress I am feeling should not be inflicted on the baby. This baby is a complete blessing from God, and should be treated as such.

I found my source of hope in the prayers of close friends who I decided to tell, but also in a story I had shared with students earlier in the week during Bible devotions. I just love how God times things perfectly. The story comes from the book of Joshua. Joshua was appointed leader of his Israelite army, and faced a big task of defeating the enemy armies and breaking down the walls of the new land promised to them by God. As they were engaged in battle, the sun began going down, and Joshua prayed that God would make the sun stand still (Joshua Ch. 10), which God answered this prayer and Joshua and his army defeated the enemy forces with the extra hours of sunlight God provided. Now, I had heard faith stories of God’s people in the Bible before, but for some reason this story struck a chord with me. The SUN actually STOPPED MOVING. Joshua prayed a huge, ridiculous prayer and God answered it. Why am I having such a hard time simply praying and believing that God would lay his hand on my heart and my baby, and have faith knowing that this pregnancy will progress normally and I will have a happy, healthy baby in the end? Especially knowing that he could STOP THE SUN???

Bryan took me to Powell’s Bookstore and we purchased the book “Sun Stand Still” by Steven Furtick, which I have already read and devoured numerous pages of. I have a newfound hope that God will deliver us, and this baby, from this current trial we are in. The best, and silliest affirmation I got back from God? Earlier that morning, before starting the book, I sent Bryan to the store for two things: milk and honey (I was dealing with a nagging cough). While he was gone, I read the following verse: “The land we passed through and explored is exceedingly good. If the Lord is pleased with us, he will lead us into that land, a land flowing with milk and honey, and will give it to us. Only do not rebel against the Lord. And do not be afraid of the people of the land, because we will swallow them up.” Numbers 14:7-9. Joshua learned to follow God by faith, and in faith God blessed them and protected them and honored their prayers. I needed to follow God with that same audacious faith.